February 21, 2011

I do not...

wear my heart on my sleeve.  I have never been that type of person.  I have always been more of an Elinor than a Marianne.

When I first started this blog what I wanted and hoped to share, in part, were stories of my faith. The problem with that idea is, I feel that my faith is a very private thing.  In addition to that, I am not a writer. There are so many other Catholic bloggers who write about their faith and matters of faith so much more beautifully and eloquently than I can. Most of the time I feel like it's hardly worth trying (how optimistic of me huh?).

Several weeks ago I was reading one of my favorite blogs and a post about prayer. Leila, the author of that post, said something that truly resonated with me, because it is the way I feel not just about prayer, but about many things. She said,

"I wouldn't let you in on my interior life for the world. As soon as I tried, I'd be making it into an exterior life, wouldn't I?"

Yes, that is it exactly. Some things I just prefer to keep to myself.  Okay, well, a lot of things.  I will never be able to share them with you perfectly - and in that imperfectness, well, it might lead to misunderstanding.  And I don't want for you to misunderstand me.

I will share with you this, I think about Michael everyday. Often. I am sure that I always will. It's impossible not to wonder what he would have been like. How he would have changed our family. I watch Gabe and Nathan grow and learn and change everyday. And, I know I will never have that experience with Michael. And of course, that brings me great sorrow. I honestly do not know what God intends for me to learn or gain or become from this experience. It is too near. I don't have any perspective on it yet. Part of me also knows quite well that I may never know what it is that God intends. I think sometimes as human beings we think that we can or will someday know the meaning of all things. That somehow all will become clear. I don't believe that, at all. God is infinite and mysterious and I think that some things will always remain mysteries to us.

I haven't really spent a whole lot of time trying to figure this out.  Not that I don't think about it; I just don't try to understand.  I've been given a cross to bear.  I'm trying to carry it the best I can with the help of our Lord, and with all the grace He will give me.  I do not always do this well. I am trying the best I can to move forward. Simply because standing still is not an option. I have a family to take care of. They need me; my boys need me. I ask for your continued prayers for both me and my family.

This post has taken me days to write...  I am trying to get back into blogging again.  Be patient with me!  I have been scrapbooking too.  I haven't scrapbooked about this experience; I'm not sure that I ever will.  Scrapbooking is my hobby; it is something that makes me happy and allows me to be creative.  It has been helpful and therapeutic in that it has given me something to focus on besides my sorrow.  I do enjoy sharing my pages and my ideas with you here, and I hope to do that again very soon.

Until then, God bless.

5 comments:

  1. As someone who keeps things close I can completely understand your wanting to hold it in and not put it out for everyone to see, I love the quote you posted about the interior becoming the exterior it is perfect and beautiful. I will continue praying for you and your family and I hope your pain lessens little by little and you can find joy in scrapbooking and the everyday moments. God bless you!

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  2. Donna, you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers! I have a hard time blogging about my religious experiences, too. It is hard to find a balance between wanting to share and wanting to keep those intimate moments still intimate. Most of my faith-based thoughts just go right to my journal.

    Hugs to you.

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  3. I agree wholeheartedly. You want to share and be transparent yet, it's a fine line. Leila does it so well. love her.

    And you know you have my prayers.
    I pray that being creative will help you, in time, to "make it better". I certainly enjoy seeing what you create. pray for the energy and the will do create. you know how much it brings you joy and Our Lord certainly wants to give you joy in the midst of your suffering.

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  4. Healing involves pain, which is difficult to make sense of. Here's the words that have been giving me comfort this month, which has been hard due to Dominic's autism: Be still, and know that I am God. My prayers are still with you.

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