February 21, 2011

I do not...

wear my heart on my sleeve.  I have never been that type of person.  I have always been more of an Elinor than a Marianne.

When I first started this blog what I wanted and hoped to share, in part, were stories of my faith. The problem with that idea is, I feel that my faith is a very private thing.  In addition to that, I am not a writer. There are so many other Catholic bloggers who write about their faith and matters of faith so much more beautifully and eloquently than I can. Most of the time I feel like it's hardly worth trying (how optimistic of me huh?).

Several weeks ago I was reading one of my favorite blogs and a post about prayer. Leila, the author of that post, said something that truly resonated with me, because it is the way I feel not just about prayer, but about many things. She said,

"I wouldn't let you in on my interior life for the world. As soon as I tried, I'd be making it into an exterior life, wouldn't I?"

Yes, that is it exactly. Some things I just prefer to keep to myself.  Okay, well, a lot of things.  I will never be able to share them with you perfectly - and in that imperfectness, well, it might lead to misunderstanding.  And I don't want for you to misunderstand me.

I will share with you this, I think about Michael everyday. Often. I am sure that I always will. It's impossible not to wonder what he would have been like. How he would have changed our family. I watch Gabe and Nathan grow and learn and change everyday. And, I know I will never have that experience with Michael. And of course, that brings me great sorrow. I honestly do not know what God intends for me to learn or gain or become from this experience. It is too near. I don't have any perspective on it yet. Part of me also knows quite well that I may never know what it is that God intends. I think sometimes as human beings we think that we can or will someday know the meaning of all things. That somehow all will become clear. I don't believe that, at all. God is infinite and mysterious and I think that some things will always remain mysteries to us.

I haven't really spent a whole lot of time trying to figure this out.  Not that I don't think about it; I just don't try to understand.  I've been given a cross to bear.  I'm trying to carry it the best I can with the help of our Lord, and with all the grace He will give me.  I do not always do this well. I am trying the best I can to move forward. Simply because standing still is not an option. I have a family to take care of. They need me; my boys need me. I ask for your continued prayers for both me and my family.

This post has taken me days to write...  I am trying to get back into blogging again.  Be patient with me!  I have been scrapbooking too.  I haven't scrapbooked about this experience; I'm not sure that I ever will.  Scrapbooking is my hobby; it is something that makes me happy and allows me to be creative.  It has been helpful and therapeutic in that it has given me something to focus on besides my sorrow.  I do enjoy sharing my pages and my ideas with you here, and I hope to do that again very soon.

Until then, God bless.


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